Lesbian Cabinet Makers Breathe Sigh of Relief!


Lesbian Cabinet Makers in Northern Ireland breathed a sigh of relief today as their previously uncontroversial relationship with the many Muslim Printers in NI that had been thrown into concern as a result of the Asher’s cake-off was finally resolved.

Ok, I’m going to drop out of ‘Newspaper column’ mode now right? Phew… so, this wee shop up the road from my workplace where we have been known to purchase the odd sweet chilli covered sausage roll (delicious) got themselves in a situation because their bosses back at HQ are theologically against Sesame Street. Sorry, gay marriage. The DUP along with the ‘brains’ behind evangelicals thinking-outside-church-buildings ‘Evangelical Alliance’ got together and scribbled a few ideas down on the back of some leaflets the DUP stopped giving out in East Belfast. They clearly forgot that this was intended to be a first draft and a real grown up and/or person with some legal skill was meant to get involved and turn it into a ‘big boy piece of writing’. But that’s the context in which relief for some of Ireland’s finest crafted cabinets can be thankful.

Paul Givan’s consultation ‘document’ ‘Northern Ireland Freedom of Conscience Amendment Bill’ gave the following helpful examples in a bid to clarify what they meant when they began arguing for the right of conscience of religious believers.

Words above with single apostrophes such as ‘brains’ and ‘document’ are deliberately apostrophe’d to denote biting sarcasm.

Firstly, the proposed changes would NOT mean :

that an Evangelical grocer would be able to refuse to sell apples to a gay man. The selling of apples would not involve the Evangelical grocer being required to endorse, promote or facilitate a same-sex sexual relationship in violation of his/her faith identity so there is no conflict.

There were some very disappointed grocers in some areas of Northern Ireland when this was announced. Gays are allowed to buy apples without fear of prejudice. But hold on a second?? What if they come flouncing in pretending they are going to do fancy stuff with the apple and stick them where the sun don’t shine? What is the grocer meant to do then ?? Would that apple sale be endorsing something ? Facilitating? This is still a very gay, I mean grey area.

Secondly, (and this is where the economy can take heart), it would NOT mean

that a Muslim printer could refuse to print a brochure publicising coffee tables made by a lesbian cabinet maker. The printing of a brochure outlining different coffee table designs would not involve the Muslim printer being required to endorse, promote or facilitate same-sex sexual relationships in violation of his faith identity so there is no conflict.

I understand that the DUP did extensive research to find out how the Muslim Printers felt about such cabinets. The Islamic Centre was asked if they saw anything offensive about coffee table designs but they haven’t dared say much after the comments they made about a ‘Peaceful Mosul’.

What if the coffee table designs include interlocking feminine symbols or lyrics by the Indigo Girls? Would they be permitted to refuse? There are still so many gay areas.

Thirdly, (the mind still boggles)

Would not mean that a Catholic photographer could refuse to take a photograph of recipes created by a bisexual chef. Taking such photographs would not have the effect of endorsing, promoting or facilitating a same-sex sexual relationship in violation of his or her faith identity so there is no conflict.

But what if they do funny shapes with the food? You’ve read Chaucer right? People are always making jokes with food? What if it gets published and its all ‘in your face’ innuendo?  What am I saying?  Forgive me for such a stereotype, I’m being ridiculous, most of my gay friends would never enjoy listening or making such innuendos.


So there are still some things to be worked out but it all seems clear… every example was about same-sex persons and what they could or could not expect to be able to purchase in any shop in Northern Ireland. Some clarity and relief for Lesbian Cabinet Makers, Fruit Loving Gays and Bisexual Chef Recipe Book Authors.

Clear? Until Paul Givan opened his mouth again. On this programme of the ‘The View’ Paul was brought on to discuss whether this was discriminatory to gay people. ‘No’ he argued. How?

BY MAKING IT ABOUT EVERYONE! He said this was more than about gay people (despite the document having no other example OTHER than gay people)… realising he better not alienate himself, instead he said that legislation would also be provided for religious people who don’t like ‘heterosexual non-married couples’. Yep! The adulterous unmarried would be allowed to be refused accommodation.

Up North Coast with your partner and her kids? Forgot to book a B&B ? Its getting late so you call in at ‘Garden of Eden’ B&B that has a sign up ‘Vacancies’. The woman who you think could also be a man takes one look at your lack of wedding ring and says ‘sorry, we don’t serve heterosexual non-married couples’ [Not likely her actual words]. No room at the inn… how d’ya like that for reasonable accommodation?

So Paul has introduced a religious conscience free-for-all clause.




Although, I look forward to the day that Iris Robinson is refused by some Free Presbyterian B&B owner for being an adulterer (some churches don’t consider forgiveness on these matters).  Or a DUP who has some shady accounting can’t get served in a Baptist restaurant in case he will fiddle his expenses.  Or perhaps a local fat DUP councillor  being refused  by a more lefty inclined evangelical Burger bar for fear of endorsing his Gluttony.  Lying is a sin remember as well, let’s please not have this all about sex… we’ll make the church out to have some sort of sexual problem!

Protect your liberties people, don’t let the DUP get away with this childishness; satirise, vote, write, don’t let the idiots run any more of the asylum than they already do. This is what happens when the religious want and take power. They are not victims – they run and teach their stuff in every school in this country. They are not the victims.